Does This Meter Make My Snorkel Look Fat?

I'm a few weeks behind, I know I know. But my recent trip to Puerto Rico inspired me to write a short post about traveling with diabetes. Here's the summary: it's a bitch.

First of all, if your insulin gets hot, it goes bad. Which is really convenient if you're going somewhere like, say Puerto Rico. Now granted, most of the time your insulin is living in the well-air conditioned hotel room, so there's nothing to worry about. But that can bring on a host of problems as well. (Flashback to my sophomore year of high school when I left France to go to Amsterdam and realized ALL of my life-saving insulin was packed neatly in the mini fridge of my Paris hotel room... I'll ruin the ending for you- one $250 overnight shipment later, I survived. But barely.)

Perfect segway into the next hassle. The AMOUNT of insulin being used on vacation. Now, I'm FULLY aware that this pain is self-inflicted. But come on people, it's vacation. Whether you're studying abroad in Italy and dining on wine, pasta, and tiramisu every day (ahem, theoretically...) or vacationing in Puerto Rico and sampling every form of mofongo, fried fish, and guava-fruit-anything (once again, theoretically,) the fact is, you're eating differently, and probably much worse than, you eat at home. Cue the insulin pen dial. Crank that sucker up. I'm not here to eat salad.



There's plenty to gripe about in regards to this topic (and I'll most certainly add to this in the future,) but I'll end this post with a third and final hassle. Booze. In this case, rum. When you're on an island where rum is added into every thing you drink whether it's your morning coffee or afternoon fruity drink, handling your blood sugar can be difficult. The ironic part is that you're so drunk you don't notice or care.

That wasn't a joke. Really.

When you start your day off with a 10am tour of the official Bacardi distillery (free samples, what what!) and make it into town 4 hours later with only a strong mojito and 4 mixed drinks in your system, you're not really thinking about your blood sugar. Your thought process is something like, "Heyyyyyy muchachos! Someone give me some paella with something fried and a side of rum with a mini-umbrella. Tengo hambre! What's diabetes? Holla."

 

Why is this a problem you ask? Well, in the long run it's not. When in San Juan do as Pitbull does. Or something like that. But when you're a diabetic even a little bit of alcohol seriously screws with your system, so the short term implications involve a series of too low and too high blood sugars that will crank your hangover up to Dante's 7th layer of hell status.

So moral of the story? Keep your insulin cold, your empanadas hot, and your endocrinologist on speed dial.

Workin' on My Fitness

I've recently been working out with a trainer in the effort to transform my body into something Beyonce-esque. Or something like that. 

Here's the problem. Diabetes can make working out difficult sometimes. For the most part, as long as your blood sugars are normal, working out is perfectly OK. But when your blood sugars are all over the place, things go haywire.

The relationship between blood sugar levels and working out is one of the most mind-boggling, ironic, and just all around hot mess of relationships. Let me try and explain:



First of all, working out lowers your blood sugar. This goes for "normal" people too, not just diabadasses. This is wonderful and is one of the many reasons working out is great. Until (and you saw this one coming) your blood sugar gets TOO low and you have to get some sugar in your body at which point your brain is screaming, "I AM TRYING TO WORKOUT TO BE HEALTHY AND LOSE WEIGHT AND BECAUSE I'M DOING THIS I HAVE TO EAT SUGAR WHICH JUST MAKES ME NEED TO WORK OUT MORE, @#$%!!!!"



Here's another kicker: it's really, really dangerous and unhealthy to use working out as a way to lower a high blood sugar. So even though it logically makes sense, medically it's a no-go.

Oh, but wait! Your brain has yet another opinion: not working out just because your blood sugar is a little bit high just makes you a wimpy lard. So you do it anyway. You double-up on your water intake and head out to trainer anyway. And even though you are running slower than a turtle stampeding through peanut butter and are breathing like an asthmatic fish in the desert, you are proud be working out! Take that, diabetes.



CRASH. No surprise here. Once you get home you collapse on your bed, go to sleep, and don't wake up until you hear the helicopters from the search team your family and friends have sent out for you.

And that's the vicious cycle.

Now it's not obviously always like this. Most workouts are as normal and enjoyable as a workout can be. But if that number is just a little off kilter, all hell breaks loose.

But that just means that when my trainer and I get me to that Beyonce body it'll be that much sweeter. Pun intended.

I'm Trying to Save Your Feet, People

I recently had a friend ask me what my symptoms were when I was first diagnosed with diabetes. She had been feeling not-so-hot and thought maybe it could be diabetes. That's when I realized that most people don't recognize the symptoms of this bitch of a disease. 

Before I provide my always exceptional knowledge, please watch this short, "educational" video provided by Dr. GloZell entitled, 'The Ghetto Diabetic Test.' 

(Disclaimer: I'm 99.9% sure that this is not backed-up by the FDA. I'm also quite sure that Dr. GloZell is NOT indeed a real doctor. But it's entertaining and somewhat accurate all the same.)

Besides the bits about Smurf pee, she's actually right. So now that you have an amazing, ghetto-liscious understanding of a few symptoms, here is my (still kind of ghetto) take on it. The list of diabetes symptoms is long. Really long. So I narrowed it down to the 2 biggest and most common categories to look out for.

#1:

Excessive thirst and urination

I'm not kidding guys. Thirst is not an accurate word for how much water your body will be craving. This also explains the urination. When you're gulping about 5 bottles of water every 15 minutes (not an exaggeration) you will pee like a pregnant, diabetic race horse. That's how the saying goes, right?

Why is this happening? Your body is overloaded with sugar and is getting rid of it by flushing it through your kidneys. Side note: THIS IS BAD. Don't put your kidneys through that, y'all. You need those suckers. 

I get that it's summer and you're going to be thirstier and drinking more than usual. But if you notice that it's severe thirst that can never be quenched, ever, then consider getting tested for diabetes.

#2: Severe lethargy paired with a skull-splitting headache

When I say lethargy, I mean it feels like there are magnets on your feet pulling you to the ground. Your body and brain are a confused muddle of sleepy, lazy, checked-out, and for lack of a better word, blah. This is once again because your body has an overload of sugar everywhere- your blood, pee, etc.

The headache is how we caught my diabetes in 8th grade. I had a headache that was so severe I couldn't even stand up. Mom took me to the doctor, who literally saved my life, and I guess the rest is history. Really crappy history. 

Headaches are normal. If you have a bad headache don't go screaming, "diabetes!" But if it's paired with you feeling like a beached Orca whale who just overdosed on Benadryl, maybe get tested. 



In fact, everyone should check their blood sugar every now and then. I'm not saying you necessarily need to take Dr. GloZells advice and pee on a paper towel and leave it out for the ants. Although that would totally work and, hey, I don't judge. Just don't let your neighbors catch you. But chances are you know a diabadass who would be more than willing to let you use their meter. 

Get tested, people! I'm trying to save your feet!

I'm So High Right Now

Every diabetic has developed their own lingo. We deal with checking our blood sugar 4+ times a day and are continually poking and prodding ourselves. It's only natural that we develop slang. The only problem is that sometimes we forget that strangers and acquaintances aren't as accustomed to our casual (and usually smart ass) phrases as our close friends and family are.



I've put together a short, humorous list of moments that have warranted (and always will warrant) strange looks in public and/or serious concern by new friends or co-workers who weren't aware of my diabetic situation. Enjoy.

#1:
"I'll be right back. I need to go shoot up."

OK sure. I had it coming. Strangers in public aren't going to automatically assume it's life-preserving insulin. But after 9 years of taking 4 shots a day I've earned the right to edit "I'll be right back. I need to go inject myself with Novolog before I eat in order to maintain normal blood glucose levels since my pancreas does not have the ability to produce insulin on its own," into whatever jargon I like. Don't you think?

#2:
"Crap! I'm out of needles!"

And here we are at another illegal drug reference. Most people get very uncomfortable at the mention of the word "needle," and rightfully so. But to me needles are as normal as nuts in a fruitcake so I throw around the word like "amen" in church. 

I am currently in the process of moving apartments. As one of my hired professional movers was hauling a box upstairs to my new place he read the label "Needles and other drug supplies," and just laughed. "That's funny," he said, "I love it when our clients put joke labels on boxes." I just smiled and nodded. Sure, buddy.

But on a positive note, at least modern medical technology has allowed me to upgrade to simple insulin pen needles rather than full on syringes. Want to talk dirty looks and whispers? Try dropping a handful of actual syringes in your high school bathroom in front of half a dozen hometown southern Baptist PTA moms. Oh yeah.

#3:
Basically any form of "I need a shot," "I took a shot," or "I'm going to take a shot."

Why do I get raised eyebrows after saying any of the above mentioned sentences? Because when normal people hear those phrases they assume tequila. I cannot count the number of times I've said "I just took a shot" and friends assume I've just started the party early. If only.

Last night at dinner when I casually said, "I need a shot," my good friend said, "OK!" My waitress said, "We don't serve alocohol." 

#4
"Ughhhh. I'm so high right now."

Flash back to a few weeks ago to when I was working an event for my summer internship (Willie's 4th of July Picnic, to be exact.) It was as hot as, well, Texas in July and I was already thirsty on top of my less-than-perfect blood sugar level. Wiping the sweat off my forehead I exclaimed, "Ugh, I just wish I wasn't so high right now!" My very relaxed co-worker just shrugged, "I mean, it IS a Willie Nelson concert..." Ay dios mio.

Unfortunately what I really mean is that my blood sugar is in a dangerously "high" range (basically anything over 150ish.) Dude, like, whoa. 


So you're welcome, guys. Next time you hear me or my fellow diabadasses mention shooting up or taking drugs, don't call the cops. Just give us a high five.



And for those of you who found this even remotely interesting. Here is a lady who wrote a whole 70-term blog post on diabetes jargon. It's less smart ass than my list, but way more comprehensive and informative. Enjoy:

http://sixuntilme.com/blog2/2011/02/diabetes_terms_of_endearment_t.html

You Sugar Me All Night Long

Almost every diabetic can tell you the joys of yo-yo-ing blood sugar levels, especially at night. First, there's the waking up sweaty and shaky because of low glucose. Then ensues the fun part of having to try to get those levels back to normal. This usually consists of over-compensating and getting high blood sugar then having to start the process all over again. 

That sounds pretty miserable. And textbook. But I promised I'd give it to you straight: the REAL story of how things go down in my diabetic life. 

It usually starts with waking up at about 2am. Your fuzzy brain is asking questions like,

 "Who am I?"
 "Where am I?" 
 "What is life???"

You slowly start to realize (as you're wiping away under-boob sweat with your T-shirt) that you're not in a crappy, hallucinogenic dream, but that your blood sugar has dropped below normal levels. 




Panic ensues. Logically, you know that you should eat something that will raise your blood sugar to average levels. This means either suck on a few Life Savers (ironic, yeah?) or drink a glass of OJ. But noooooooo. What do you do? You eat the kitchen. The whole kitchen. Because you are a sweaty, shaky, irrational, hot mess who feels like death. Anything that maybe might have some carbs in it goes into your mouth simply because it's laying in the path of destruction. Bread and gatorade and ice cream, oh my!




At this point, your blood sugar is slowly raising up to normal levels, you stop sweating, and your brain clears up. The only problem is now you feel like a bear who just stuffed itself preparing for hibernation. Let the stomach-ache and the self-loathing begin. 

And here's a shocker- now your blood sugar is too HIGH. Surprising, right?

Quick! Panic again! Time for insulin, and LOTS of it!! I mean, you did just eat like it was your job. 

As promised, the cycle continues. Because it turns out you didn't actually eat quite as much as you thought you did, so naturally the insulin you took brings your blood sugar back to unsafe low levels. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And here's the harsh truth. I'll never get this right. Ever. I know what I SHOULD do. Years of experience, doctors visits, common sense, and diabetes education have taught me the right way to handle these situations. But no amount of theoretical logic can prepare you for the helpless, sweaty, woozy, irrational self you become when your body wakes you up screaming for sugar in order to stay conscious.